deep breaths
Ok, so I had to take a moment to settle down after reading this article on Salon today. I had the expected knee-jerk reaction from the lead paragraph (ps, you can't actually leave your husband if he's not there--grow a pair and talk about it when he gets home), but that's not what upset me about Cook's article. The part that bothers me is that she blames the demise of a marriage that probably never should have happened on the military life. Not in an F-U for ruining my life kind of way, but that's clearly the message.
Now, I know I'm new to this military wife thing and I can't pretend to be an authority. I have it easy compared to most right now--we don't even have to think about a deployment for at least another year or two. I see my husband daily. Sometimes he has more free time than I do. Still, I learned pretty quick that this life ain't easy. I don't get to be his number one, the USMC does. That's a hard thing to deal with as a new bride, but I had a pretty good idea that's how it was going to be I signed up.
I'm not saying this chick didn't have legitimate beef with her husband, but she should have known what she was signing up for too. A positive pregnancy test is not a marriage contract now and it wasn't in the 90s either. This Dartmouth-educated couple should have realized this. While no one can look into a crystal ball and say whether their marital fate may have changed if they made a different choice, but it's likely they weren't presented with a lot of other options. It pays to get married and have kids in the military--literally. That's why this is so hard to read, because you hear about the divorce statistics of members of the military and I can't help but think that this system encourages people to take steps like marriage before they are ready. I understand why they do, but what other job starts to pay you more when you get married?
When J and I went to the pre-marital counseling session on base (which is not mandatory, but saves you a little on the FL marriage license), we were the oldest couple there. By a lot. I'm 24! As we went around the room and introduced ourselves, we learned that one couple was 17 and 18 years old and both sets of parents opposed the marriage. I'm not saying they're destined for divorce, but come on. Did our fearless leader, a retired Navy chaplain, offer any advice to these young lovebirds? Nope, he continued to tell us how extrememly important sex was in a relationship--to a man especially--and how we can swing from the chandaliers or show up at the door in saran wrap and heels if it helps (I wish I was lying here...), and proceeded to turn on "The Break Up" to illustrate the finer points of communication in a relationship (again, wish I was kidding). I love Jennifer Aniston, but do I think she'll help my or my teenage friends' marriage...no. I can't help but think that they make marriage an awfully appealing step for young couples without a whole lot of strings attached.
Back to Ms. Cook, I won't judge her by that article and I do hope her life is happier than it was before. This road isn't for everybody. But as her son starts the journey that J did a few years ago at the Naval Academy, I do hope that she doesn't choose to opt-out of that trip too--it's not one I'd want to take without my mom.
